


Crown's Return

by TheGhostFeather



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Love/Hate, M/M, Passion, Sexual Content, Sheriarty - Freeform, jimlock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-07-25 10:36:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7529416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGhostFeather/pseuds/TheGhostFeather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim Moriarty is back and Sherlock wants to confront him. He always been able to contain his pulses, but this time, will he ? The line between love and obsession may be very thin, sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deployment

John Watson and Sherlock Holmes were surrounded by all the noises London was making every day. Police sirens, motors of the cars, bus, people screaming and also, the toughs inside the detective's head. Between two strands of chat, Sherlock's cellphone suddenly rang. It took four rings before he answers. In fact, he was so focused on a lot of things, that he didn't notice his phone was calling for him. John told his companion that someone was calling. 

Sherlock took his cellphone from the pocket of his long black coat, looked at the display and then he answered. 

-  _Hello, Mycroft. Tell me you did not find him before me ?_

-  _Then, I am sorry to disappoint you. I find the man you are looking for, the man we are all looking for, should I say._

Sherlock groaned a bit, mad to have lost this big man hunting all around the country, 

-  _Where is he ?_

-  _He's not somewhere in particular. He is everywhere at the same time._

-  _What do you mean, Mycroft ? I don't have the time for your guessing game. Just tell me where he is._

John was intrigued. He tried to reach the cellphone with his right ear, but in vain. '' _What happens, Sherlock?_ '' Holmes made some signs to him with his hands, saying to wait a minute. 

-  _Well, the man you are looking for, Sherlock, is flying right over your head. You should see him in thirty-two seconds. We finally located a cellphone that could be his._

Sherlock do not even had the time to reply, that the sound of an helicopter buzzed in his ears. The little blond one was already staring at the grey sky, trying to see the helicopter, a hand on his eyebrows. The brown one, was still on the phone, but with his head up too. At this precise moment, nobody could have describe the gaze into his eyes. Fear and excitation were both colliding. There was also a certain flame. Happy to finally have the chance to know everything. To know what was his trick, how did he fooled him so easily. Happy to learn where he went through all this years. By seeing this consultant criminal, he could learn a lot from him and maybe have the revenge he waited for a too long time, now.

\- _Call me when he is gonna be on the ground again. You can be sure I will be there._

\- _I'll do, my dear. I'll do_ , replied Mycroft Holmes, before being abruptly hanging up the line.  _But I'm not sure this is a good idea._

The man with the brown curly hair, made a summary of his phone conversation with his brother to John who was happy and worried about what was going to happen. The fear of the so well known. His hands were touching his face and his mouth was wide open. Watson was in shock. He could breathe again. Only, Sherlock was not sharing this feeling. His heart was burning inside of him. He was on a rush of adrenaline. The consultant detective needed to see him right now. But before, he had to be prepared and to wait what was going to be his next move, now that Moriarty had resurfaced from the depths of the seas. Sherlock knew that the most wanted criminal of the world would not have bought a cellphone and borrow a helicopter to fly over the biggest city of the country if he don't wanted to be find. He wanted Sherlock to know that he was materially alive.  _In flesh and bones_. 

Back to Baker Street, Sherlock could not control his body from jumping everywhere. When Mrs. Hudson opened her door to look at the boys, she immediately made this remark: '' _Oh Sherlock, you look like a 7 years old little boy who just woke up the morning of Christmas. What's so exciting, my dear ?_ ''

The tall man took the head of his landlady and kissed his forehead with a lively momentum. He then ran upstairs. She laughed a bit, still trying to understand. To help her a bit, the doctor explained the situation. 

-  _Well, I don't know if this is Christmas or the Apocalypse, Mrs. Hudson, but Mycroft found Jim Moriarty !_

-  _Ooh... I don't want to see one of you been killed again, my little boys..._ The lovely woman winced with concern, her hands on her pinky cheeks. 

-  _You don't have to worry, I'll be there this time. Also, there is nothing sure, yet._

John passed his palms on Mrs. Hudson's scapula and kissed him too on her forehead before to disappear in the stairs. 

Once at the flat, John Watson meet his friend Sherlock watching at some files in front of him. Five, to be exact. On the upholstered wall, behind the cough, hung a map and a lot of notes and photographies of different people, all dressed in black. 

-  _What's this, Sherlock ?_ , asked John, a eyebrow higher than the other. 

-  _Oh, just notes about Jim. It's been months that I'm looking for him._

Sherlock was sit on the floor, his legs crossed, looking at the darkness of his eyelids. He was thinking. Deep into his mind palace. His hands touching each other. 

-  _I tough you already knew his next move, didn't you ?_

-  _Yes, but it doesn't mean that I know where is he hiding._

John nodded in agreement. 

-  _So, what did you discover about this bloody man ?_ , asked John. 

Sherlock kept his eyes close. 

-  _There is six men who works for him as bodyguards and assistants. They split shifts. Three during the day and three at night. Sometimes, there is always two bodyguards and one assistant. The third one, is there to make the calls and to buy what Jim needs to. Of course, he can not go its own races. His face is everywhere, on every door of all shops of the city and areas._

-  _Sorry, mate, but since when do you call him ''Jim'' ? It makes two times in not even two minutes that you are calling him by his first name. You don't usually do that._

_-_ _I am telling you that I found the men who are working for him and you are asking me about why do I call him by his first name ? For God's sake, John ! I told you. It's been months that I am looking for him. Also, I saw his blow up his head. I think we have reach the intimacy to call each other by our first names, don't you think ? I saw hi brain, John. His blood streaming on this roof. I saw inside of him, of its mind. When he looked at me, just before to kill himself, I swear I saw his soul._ _The shadows danced in the  depths of his eyes. _

Sherlock opened his eyes and looked at John with the most honest gaze he have never seen in his entire life. John didn't know what to say after this. He was totally speechless. Never he heard his friend being poetic like this. That's why, he just nodded again and sat to his chair, newspapers on his lap, ready to be read. 

\- _I will find him and I will talk to him. I want to know. After, I will end his life for good. I don't want to hear about him anymore. He is the most dangerous man alive._

  


***

  


Four days after the call of Mycroft, another rang out. John who just arrived at 221B, answered. 

-  _Hello ?_

_-_ _Hello, John. Is my brother not far from you ?_

John turned his head, looking for Sherlock. He didn't see him, but he could hear the sound of the pouring water of the shower. 

-  _In fact, he's taking his shower. Does it concern Moriarty ?_

_-_ _When he'll have done, tell him that we found him. He is in a cottage, in Wales. While we talk, he is arrested. Lestrade and Donovan oversee the operation._

_\- Wow, fantastic ! So, where do we have to find you ?_

-  _At the MI6._

_\- Okay, we'll be there soon. Bye._

_-_ _See you later._

 

Chills all over his body, he knocked at bathroom door. 

-  _Hurry your arse, Sherlock ! Moriarty is getting arrested. We have to go to the MI6. Mycroft is waiting for us._

Before to hear Sherlock's answer, the doctor hear bottles falling in the bath. 

-  _I'm coming ! Just a second._

The water flow stopped immediately and the door opened. Sherlock appeared, holding a towel around his waist and his hair dripping everywhere. He didn't even give a look to John. All John saw, was the shadow of a man running to his bedroom and being dressed one minute later. A black suit, a dark blue shirt and a pair of black shoes. His hair was still wet, but it was going to dry anyway. John was still in front of the bathroom, while Sherlock was already going to go downstairs and yell for a cab. 

On the backseat, Watson noticed how much Holmes was nervous. His foot could not stop drumming. His fingers too. Also, he was looking at the streets like a dog who wants to head out. Once again, John wore no comment about it. He made like he would not have noticed.

In front of the building where was Jim Moriarty, the poison of their life, of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, a lot of military policemen were outside, waiting for the poisoned shark. Mycroft was with them, its umbrella to hold his weight. At the moment he saw his brother and his acolyte, he entered inside, followed by the consultant detective and the doctor Watson.

The three men were standing in a little black room, with only the view of another room as a light. They were both separated by a big glass. In this blue room, a metal table and a chair, furnished this empty space. Twenty-five minutes later, Inspector Lestrade entered in the room too. The grey hair man, bowed his head as a salute to everyone. 

\- _Oh great, Gavin is here ! Jim is coming... !_ , exclaimed Sherlock, clapping hands together with a big smirk on his face. 

\- _About that, Sherlock. There is something you need to know. He is coming, but I don't think he will cooperate._

 _\- Oh, I know. There is scratches on your fists and bruises on your neck. So, he tried to strangle you and to hurt your fists at the moment to putting him in handcuffs. It doesn't rain outside and it is not humid. However, your front and your scalp are sweating. The same for your armpits. Your hands are shaking and the tone of your voice is high. You were terribly nervous to arrest him, which is a big step in your career. Also, it took you about ten minutes before succeeding. It was a lot physical. So, don't waste your saliva to tell me he is not going to cooperate. I already know it. It is equally obvious that to know that the sun will still rise tomorrow morning_ , deduced Sherlock. The man John gave a nudge to shut his mouth.

Greg Lestrade was too tired to insult the ''high functioning sociopath'' or just to correct him about his name. He just agreed. He don't wanted to enter his game.

\- _Don't you think you should congratulate him, instead, Sherlock ?_ , whispered John into his friend's ear. 

Sherlock gave a forced smile to Lestrade and did what John suggested him to do. At the same time, the door of the blue room opened. Two military entered, followed by two other ones men, bringing the great Jim Moriarty. The most wanted man now vulnerable. John hated him. He was containing himself not to jump in his face to strangle him and to punch him to death. Sherlock, him, felt his pulse getting faster. Mycroft Holmes was calm, but looking at his brother reaction. With his hands on his pockets, Lestrade was just staring at the glass, relieved to finally see him trapped. Military policemen bound him to the interrogation table. Even in a vulnerable situation, Jim Moriarty exuded immense charisma. He still felt in control. He was confident. '' _Hello Sherlock. Did you miss me ?_ '', said like a snake, the criminal with a big smile on his face. He looked directly at the mirror, where his nemesis was. He couldn't see him, but he knew.

-  _Oh, c'mon ! I know you are there. I know that I missed you. I gave birth to you, to the great detective you became. You need me. Without me, you become me !_ Exclaimed Moriarty. 

Sherlock was standing so close to the window, that in a magic parallel universe, he would already been aspired on the other side. His breathing was heavy. He needed to be close to the man who made him feel alive. More than John Watson did. In fact, being in the web of Moriarty, was addictive. More than he tough. He tried to deny this addiction, to protect his mind to this kind of toughs, but in vain. He needed him to feel his heart beating heavily through his chest, to feel his hair all over his body rear. 

-  _Nobody move or answer. I will talk to him. He is under my charge_ , told Mycroft Holmes.

Sherlock sprang in front of his the man who represented the government.

\- _No. Let me doing it. I have so many things to say to him._

- _There is no question that I let you been in front of him in your condition._

_\- Which condition ? I am not high. I am totally clean, I swear._

_\- I know you are clean, brother. I meant in your state of mind. Vengeful. You are too exciting, in admiration front of him. Now, let me pass._

Sherlock groaned and went back at the window. He wished he could had the chance to speak to him, but at the same time, he would not have liked to discuss with his brother and his best friend hearing everything they have to say. There is questions we can't answers in front of a public. 

 

***

 

Three months later, after a very long trial, Jim Moriarty was not incriminate, but still sentenced guilty. Officially, the man never directly killed anyone. It was always someone else. The only person he killed in is all life, was himself. The other murders, was always someone else, who was working for him. The consultant criminal gave to the juries, all the names who worked for him. They all been sent in jail. Moriarty was still free. Not totally, but free. With the help of his devil's advocates, He has only been charged for hacking all the screens of the city. All the people who died because of him, didn't count. So, his sentence was to stay at home. He could not go beyond the perimeter that had been given. Also, he was send somewhere where he could not talk to anybody. No network, no wi-fi, no phone for him and no radio. He was stuck in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Only just grass around his tiny little house. The only thing he could do to pass the time, was to read and mowing the lawn or cook. There was no village of kilometers around. Of course, if he wanted something, he had to send a letter to Mycroft, which it takes a long time before to have an answer or what he desired. 

One evening, for Sherlock's birthday, everyone was invited at Mycroft's home. Sherlock Holmes was not at his best. He had lost weight, his skin was paler than usual and there was dark circles under his eyes. Everybody was shocked to see him like this. 

-  _Sherlock, since how many times did you not sleep ?_ , asked Molly. Worried like a mother would be. 

-  _Don't worry. I sleep. I sleep two hours and a half per night. I don't have the time to do this stupid thing! Let me live my life. I am not a little boy anymore. Look. There is a ''forty'' on the cake and the balloons you bring._

 _- Oh, Sherlock, my dear. We are all worry about you. Don't be that silly_ , said Mrs. Hudson. She was horrified by his brutality. 

-  _I know, but I'm okay. I don't need your help. I need a hard and dangerous case. That's it._

Martha Hudson and Molly left the room and went at the garden. They don't wanted to argue with him. It is at this moment, that Mycroft took Sherlock by his skinny arm. He carried him to his office and closed the door, just before to sit on his desk. His little brother was standing in front of him. 

-  _I know what you need. You don't need a case. You need to meet Jim Moriarty. You don't sleep anymore, because you want to know how did he faked his death. You tough he killed himself in front of you, but he didn't. On the other side, you wished he was still alive. He was giving to you the adrenaline you needed. The notoriety. Tell me if I'm wrong. You are obsessed with him._

The detective didn't open his mouth. He just said yes with a movement of head. For the first time in his life, he left his pride behind. He knew that b doing this, his brother could possibly let him see the Irish man who possessed its mind. 

-  _Well, I think I don't have any other choice. I will give you what you want. If I don't, I don't even want to think about how and where I will find you. You will meet him next week. See it as your birthday present_ , Mycroft said to Sherlock with a weary tone. And then, he left. 

Sherlock had stars in his eyes again. He felt a regain of energy rushing through his veins again. He was ready, more than ever. 

The older one came back to the office to add these words: '' _Oh and try to look presentable. Eat, sleep and drink water._ _You'll feel better_. _''_  

_  
_

***

 

Seven days had pass. Holmes was in front of his flat, waiting for a car to come to take him. He seemed to have taken five more pounds, which did him good. It was the dawn outside. The sky was blue tainted pink. It was cold and windy. He was wearing his legendary long black coat, a suit and a sailor blue scarf. 

He only had to wait five minutes for the luxury black car. Mycroft Holmes was in, dressed like a hunter. 

-  _Since when are you hunting, Mycroft ?_ , asked Sherlock with surprise. 

-  _I always did. You think you know everything about everybody, but you are wrong._

The car started his long road. 

-  _And what do you want to catch in Wales, in the middle of nowhere ?_

 _-_ _Birds._

_- It's not the season._

-  _I own this land. I decide when it's the season._

And silence took place for the rest of the travel. 

It was exactly nine twenty-three hours, when they reached the isolated cottage. The slim man stayed in the car for few minutes. He could not believe he was finally going to see him. To see the man with who he shared his death. 

Mycroft went out of the car and knocked at the massive wood door. No answer. He knocked again. Few seconds later, the door opened. Sherlock was looking through the tainted window, but didn't see the person he was waiting for. All he saw, was Mycroft entering the house of the dangerous man. Two minutes later, the older brother came back to the car and told Sherlock that Moriarty was waiting for him. 

 


	2. Middle of Nowhere

The gorgeous consultant detective, Sherlock Holmes, was standing right in front of me. He removed his black coat and put it on another chair. He was looking at me, his arms on the table, his face close to mine. So close, that I could smell the perfume of his aftershave lotion. It was exquisite. His tendons were so tense, that I could see all the veins of his forearms. He had rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. I was looking at all the details I could see, when his voice made me tremble. A big deep voice. 

-  _Now, I got you. You are nothing anymore. You thought that you owed me, but I am the one who owns you, now_. Sherlock said to me. 

Before to answer him, I bit my lower lip. If only he knew why do I did all that this. It was all for him. 

-  _You are wrong. I still own you. Look at you. Make more than two hundred miles just to see me. Admit it. I still own you, Snow White._

At these words, Sherlock suddenly became furious and hence put his face even closer to me.  _Oh God it is funny to make him angry !_

_\- You don't own me ! I just want to know how did you survive ! You blowed your fucking head in front of me ! I still have blood spots on my shoes. I analyzed it. It was real blood. Tell me, for God's sake !_

His anger awoke me. He was the only person that I saw in three months and nine days, who was not boring and old. I never been a social specimen, but a long moment like this without any human contact, was making me going crazier than I was. 

-  _Why don't you sit a little bit. You would me more comfortable to hear my fairytale, don't you think ? Sit, together, like two grown man ?_

It was fascinating to see how much he was obedient. In a way, Sherlock Holmes always followed the paths I gave to him. He wants or not. He choose the place in front of me. He also took an instant to give a gaze at my residence. What could he use to protect him if I tried anything against him and what could I use too. My unmade bed retained his attention. 

-  _Why should I make my bed ? I live alone with only a factor and bugs as visitors_ , I exclaimed to him while I looked in the same direction than him.

 His eyes came back to mines. 

-  _So, I am waiting. Tell me. I have all the time of the world_ , he answered me, no more pression on his shoulders. The last time that I saw him so relaxed, it was when I broke into his flat while he was sleeping in the kitchen. He had fall asleep while he was reading case files. Probably a boring one. Not one of mine, obviously. He had left the kettle on the oven, so I removed it before the whistling wake him up. But that, he didn't know. I was the only person in the world to know it. It's crazy how much secrets we are the only to know, as a person. 

-  _Where should I start ? Hum.. Let's see. First, this day on the rooftop, I did not even have a loaded gun. The heavy impression, was just a magic trick. You know, the one they use for Russian roulette games for stupid people who wants to see if they have chance in life ? Well, it was a toy like this._

-  _So how do you explain the blood and the brain pieces on the ground and the sound of the gun ?_

 _-_ _Hahahaha !_ I smile.  _C'mon ! You are not a child. You are too old to believe in magic. The sound of the gun you heard, was my cellphone. One of my snipper had to send me a text at a precise hour. I replaced the usual ringtone for the sound of a gun and that was it. Why do you think I was speaking that much ? I was stretching time. Seriously, Sherlock. It was obvious !_

Sherlock groaned and hit the table with his fist. I think he was feeling stupid that the answer was hanging under his nose like this. I smiled again and took his hand. 

-  _Don't worry, Sherlock. I knew that more I made it simple, less were the chances you find my magic trick._

He removed his hands from mines and then, looked at me, in the deep of my soul. His gaze was so acute, that it was giving me chills. I started to feel a specific attraction for him. Sad we didn't met in other circumstances. He should have called me back when I first gave him my number. Of course, he thought I was wearing an other name and a complete different wardrobe. Let's just say that I was not myself. It would have been kind of complicated to explain at our first date, but still. Maybe I should have introduced myself as who I really was. I could feel his envy too, his pulse. Also, I noticed that its pupils were dilated. Very sad it wasn't the good time and the good opportunity for what we would both like right now. Thinking about this, I never knew if it was really platonic between John Watson and Sherlock. Whatever, it doesn't have any matter.

-  _And the blood, Jim ? The blood_ , he muttered between his teeth. 

-  _Oh yeah, the blood. I had forgot. My mind is so busy right now. It was easy too. When I was working at the morgue with Molly, I stole some blood. We never know when you are gonna need it. You should be in agreement with me, because I saw you stealing blood too for your experiences. I did the same by spying on you. So when the idea of faking a suicide came to my mind, I used this old blood. That's why the pieces. It was just big blood clots. A bag full of this blood was hiding on my back, under my coat. That's why, when I fell on the roof, you thought I really blowed my head. The bag exploded._

Strangely, he wasn't angry anymore. He was not moving and he couldn't open his mouth too. Only, I could almost hear his heartbeat. His gaze had change. He was now looking at me with the same desire I had for him. 

-  _Well, Sherl, I hope you're not too disappointed about my answers. It would be sad to have wait all this years to hear that._

I rose from my chair. I had to stay away from Holmes a little bit or I would have kiss him. I loved it so much when he was angry. It was giving me the taste of him. He rose too. 

-  _No, I am not. If I didn't find the answer yet, it is because you executed your plan perfectly, just like I did mine._

_\- Poor you, I knew you were alive. My goal was not to kill you. Also, I knew you were not gonna kill yourself for real. You are smarter than that. I always knew. Remember. I own you. I know how you think and how much you love your friend and your family. When someone loves someone, this person don't kill himself to hurt them. At least, you should have tell John. You should have see how sad he was. I don't think I ever see a man crying that much for a friend._

\- _I don't wanted you to think that I was alive. I wanted to protect him_ , Sherlock replied, bowing his brown curly head. 

-  _You wanted to protect him or your anonymity ?_ I was getting closer to him. 

-  _Both._ He backed up. 

-  _You know, he really seems to love you and you seem to really love him too. Fake his own death to protect him from me... Wow ! I was wondering why you never ended together ?_

 _-_ _He is not the man I need and he doesn't need a freak person like me. I've never liked him more than as a friend. Also, he is more interesting in women than in men. I am not good for everyone. People like me should stay alone._

His words broke my heart. I was feeling the same. The only difference between Sherlock and me, was the fact that I didn't need feelings to sleep with someone. I am pretty sure he had never made anything with anyone. He always repressed his pulsions to focus on what was important and to protect all the people around him. He was not the man he pretended to be, a high-functioning sociopath. No. He was in fact, the most devoted person for the ones he loved. And this fact, I always had doubts about it, but now I had the proof. He wasn't hiding his feelings anymore. His guard was down. He knew that I could understand, even if he don't know my story. To be more exact, he didn't know anything about me. I knew everything about him, but it was not the same for him. 

-  _You know, Sherlock, I had a family before to become the criminal I became. I don't wanted to be like that. I never asked for this. I know what love is and I can recognize this feeling any time._

 _-_ _Explain to me. I want to understand why._

_\- Everything started in 2003. I had a wife. Melanie. God, she was so beautiful and so sweet. She was the love of my life. She was pregnant and I was going to be a dad. I was the happiest man in the world. But one night, when I came home for work, I found her lying on the floor. She was unconscious. I called an ambulance, we went to the hospital and doctors told me she made a CVA. All her body was paralyzed besides is mind._

At this moment, I tried not to cry. I kept the tears inside of me. It made a long time I didn't think about Melanie. I shouldn't talked about this.  _Why ? Why ?_

-  _I quit my job as a mathematic teacher in university. Everyday, I was by her sides. She was all I have. There was no question that I disconnected her. The baby didn't survived. It was a boy. He was too young to live. I passed long hours holding him. So tiny, so delicate. He fit in my hand. He had only just four months._ I could not speak anymore. I could not holding my tears one more second. My eyes were wet and Sherlock was looking at me with empathy and mistrust. He didn't know what to do or what to say. I think he was surprise. 

-  _Why are you saying this to me ? You think I am gonna have compassion for you ? People have been killed by your fault, Jim. You are a monster. You are not suppose to have feelings. You are a psychopath !_

 _-_ _I'm not, Sherlock. I'm just human. Behind each villain there is something that made them like this. There is no one who is born with as much meanness in him. In fact, no one is mean like I pretended to be. I hated my new job. I am happy to be away from civilisation, not to play hide and seek anymore. The reason I became who I am, was just to change my mind and to afford the money to put Melanie in the best_   _possible care center. I had to use my power. Mine, was numbers. Yours it's deductions and me it's numbers. I used my talent to help drugs dealer and I mounted the ladder till I fall on your blog. You are the one who invented the ''consultant detective'' title, so I did the same, but in an antagonistic way. I became the first consultant criminal of history. Everyone knew me in that environment, so I already had a clientele. It was in 2007. Two years later, Melanie died. I had to keep my mind busy or I was going to kill myself. I wasn't feeling good to be honest. I couldn't feel anything. My heart was so broken. If I wouldn't have find you, I would have kill myself, to be honest. _I laughed nervously. 

The man who was standing in front of me began to understand me. He was in the same state of mind than me when I found him. 

-  _I had so much money, but no one to give it to, so I spent it by amusing you. You were so funny to see. Always running after my clues and games. You wanted to know me and I wished I was you, Sher. You had a brother who loves you more than everything, lovely parents and a girl had a crush on you. You had everything, a new start after your rehab. Me, I had nothing. Only just money. I don't talked to my parents anymore. I had to protect them. A lot of people wanted my skin and it stills the case. The proof, you are here, in front of me. You became as much obsessed with me that I was with you few years ago. Now, I just wish I could go back in time. If only you knew how much I am sorry. Sorry for everything I've done. I am playing the ice-man, but I am not. The truth is that I am just human._

I didn't know if it was all the time cooped with myself in this place or if it was Sherlock's halo, but I don't wanted to tell him my story. The secret I kept safe from everyone I knew. If Melanie would see me, she would be happy to be dead. Many years without showing any emotion, transforms you into nothing. You become a zombie. An empty body without any soul. Walking around the city, do terrible things. That was my life, but I was tired of this. The only thing I wanted right now, was somebody to take care of, maybe somebody to love. 

-  _You don't have to be sorry. I understand, Jim. Only, It stills hard for me to trust you. You are the master of disguise, after all You love to play with people's mind_ , Sherlock is saying back, squinting. There was contempt in his voice. 

-  _I swear I said the truth. I don't know how I could gain your trust._

What the hell happened to me ? I am Jim Moriarty. I never show my feelings and even less saying '' _sorry_ ''. This man brought out the man I really was. He had almost said no word and yet, he had managed to break my shell. 

-  _You are a poison, Jim Moriarty. A poison._

Sherlock left. He took its coat and left. I was lonely again. Stuck with myself, with my memories, my regrets and demons. I heard the tires of Mycroft's car rolling in the gravel. No more sound. Just the silence between my two ears. 

***

 

I was lying in my bed and through the little dirty window at my left, I was staring at the stars. It's not in London that I could have see this wonderful spectacle performed by nature. There was absolutely no light to obstruct the vision of all this burning stars. The only light I had at this hour, was the luxuriant moon. Tonight, was the full-moon. It was so beautiful !

Suddenly, a sound came to my hearing. Wheels. A car was coming. It was be impossible. Not at two AM in the morning. Nobody's getting lost, here. Except the factor, it was making two weeks I had not received anyone. The last person, was Sherlock Holmes and my lawyer the day after, to know if everything was fine for me. The time I spent to guess who my visitor was, someone knocked at the door. I went out of my cocoon of blankets and I went to answer. It was the big man I secretly hoped it was, Sherlock. I was amazed. I honestly wasn't expecting that. After all, he had called me a '' _poison_ ''. The most hurtful word someone can say about a human being. But still, I was feeling something for him. Something very strong. In my past life as a criminal mastermind, I used to have sex with a lot of persons because I could, because I wanted it, because I needed it. But tonight, I don't just feel pulsions. Nope. Tonight I have feelings for the person that I want. What has not happened since my wife. After her death, when I needed to have sex, I was going to bars and I was playing with my charisma to seduce the most attractive persons in the place with the goal to making out with them. It was just for fun, but each time, I was feeling empty inside my heart. I was not satisfied, so I always needed more and more. But tonight, I knew exactly what I wanted and I was sure I wasn't the only one to want it. 

Sherlock is in the doorway, breathing heavily like he had run a marathon. Above his shoulder, I see that his car is badly parked. He doesn't say anything, just like I do. 

-  _You don't mind if we forget our differences for tonight ?_ , he asked to me. He seemed in a hurry to know the answer. I nodded. One second later, he was kissing my lips with so much passion, that I kissed him back with the same energy. Nevertheless, I stopped him after a moment. '' _What happens, Sherlock ?_ '  _Why ?_ '', do I whispered into his mouth. 

-  _I want you so bad, right now. You are so addictive_ , he whispered too between a short breathe. 

I stepped back to filter the information. I couldn't believe what was going on. I didn't understand, but I didn't care. I finally had him for myself. This time, I was not going to tell him a sad story or what I was feeling. I was going to be the man he wanted. Jim Moriarty, the brutal one. The part of me he first knew, at the pool. 

I kissed him again, removed his coat and passed my fingers behind his pale shirt. His back was full of scars.

\- _How did it happened, Sherlock ?_

\- _We don't need to talk about this, now, you want ? Let me just make love to you. Nothing more._

He was still kissing me. Sometimes, he was passing his tongue on my lobe and other times, he bit my neck. I was doing the same, enjoying the present moment. It is by surprise, that he took my thighs to put them on the table right behind me. Sherlock seemed to have experience in what we were doing. It seems there was things he was keeping secrets in his mind palace. He was so confident, that for the first time of my life, I was scare to do anything. My head was so confused and destabilized at the same time, that I was completely at his mercy. 

-  _Would you not prefer to do it in my unmade bed ?_ , I proposed to him with a bit of humour. He laughed more loudly that he was talking to. 

\- _Well, bring me there if you can._ A smirk appeared on his long face. 

So, I removed myself from its grip and pushed him till I reached my bed. He was still smiling, just like me. Now on his back, I was the one in control. I then put my arms on either side of his slender but muscular body. He was stuck under mine. My tongue slid into his mouth. He did the same, letting a little moan going out of his throat. Suddenly, I left my hand slide in his pants, were a hard bump was. Forthwith, Sherlock told me something I wasn't expecting.  

-  _Show me how to make love, Jim. I don't know how._

I was flabbergasted. I stopped touching him and kissing him. I just looked into his eyes. By the way he was acting, I was sure I wasn't his first one. 

-  _Sorry. I should not have say that. I shouldn't even be here. I'll go back home_ , said Sherlock trying to remove me from his vision. 

-  _No, stay. I am just surprise. This is not a bid deal. I'll show you. Don't worry._ He smiled, but I felt him insecure.  _Look. We all passed through this step. There is no shame about this and you can trust me._

-  _I hope so, professor Moriarty_ , he replied with a bit more of sureness. 

 

***

 

I was feeling sleepy, lying there with Sherlock's head on my stomach, close to falling asleep too. His eyelids were open, but his mind wandered. Who in the world could have bet we would both end like this ? Two worst ennemies having sex together. At the dawn, I've been the man who took to the great Sherlock Holmes its virginity. I was feeling sad and flattered at the same time. Sad, because I ruined his life in a certain way and flattered, because I was now the man in who he had trust. I think I will never know the reasons that pushed him to come to my house with the insatiable desire to make love with me. But, I didn't care. He were sharing a beautiful moment and that was all that matter for me. 

-  _Sherlock, tell me now. What happened to your back ? It is full of scars_ , I softly asked him while I was passing my hand through his brown hair. 

-  _It was you, Jim._


	3. Introspection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock's back into his flat after a restless night with his nemesis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello ! Terribly sorry for the waiting. The charge of my computer broke and this chapter was in it, so here it is ! :)

I was back at home, in my shelter. My flat, was the only place in the world where I felt good. Dust everywhere, reminding me that at the end, we all turn into dust. I know that some people may find morbid this thought, but it was not. For my part, I more see death like a way to stay on Earth for the eternity. Of course, your organs, muscles and skin decomposed itself, but at the end, your bones are still there, as well as your molecules. One day, archeologists are gonna find us, the people alive in our time and they will be delighted to see us. At least, what remains. In each nanometer of our bones and teeth, is stocked our story. Who we were, our life habits, our DNA and so on. I never knew why the human race is trying so hard not to be forgotten. It's not necessary. There is always gonna be someone to remember us and perpetuate our memory. Each time I see a rich buy a luxury and confortable coffin or cryogenized its body, I'm wondering why. When you die, you don't know you're dead. You don't feel anything, you're just not alive anymore. I don't know what happens after death, but I know one thing. This person will never come back. 

Right now, I was feeling insane. My intimacy has been broken and I didn't know if I had been set free from a huge and oppressive weight from my heavy shoulders or if I had been raped. Not physically because I wanted this to happen, but mentally. I had never been close like that to someone. Indeed, it was my first time and I just did it with the person I hate the most. He's usually repealing me. I still don't know why I wanted to feel him in me. I was obsessed by this Irish man for a reason I knew. Yet, I don't wanted to admit it to myself. It wasn't love. This was madness. Pure madness. I hadn't fell in love with Jim Moriarty. I fell in love with the enigma he was giving to me everyday since the first time I heard his name from an old dying cabby.

 _''I own you''_ , he had said to me.  _''You are beautiful''_ , he had also said to me. I called him a poison and him, was still finding me beautiful. 

My hands on my face, my back against the wall of my shower, I was crying like a coward. Not because I was sad, but because I had shame of me. Ashamed of what I did and let someone do to me. Ashamed to not have been able to stay at home and kept my primitive instincts from myself. I felt dirty so much, that water wasn't enough. I would have take an antiseptic shower if it wasn't that I was not equipped for this. 

My naked body in my bed, my head against my soft pillow, I was staring at the emptiness of the ceiling like an off-axis. My mind could not fall asleep, even though my body was already paralyzed by tiredness. I had ridiculous insignifiant thoughts like what Jim was currently reading or his new hobby, the piano. Which was surprising, due to his terrible lack of fingers dexterity. I was also thinking about its annoying habit not to make his bed at the morning. I mean, everyone knows that it is more comfortable to lay in a bed made than a unmade one. Anyway, it was his choice. I wasn't the man who was sleeping in. I also had the thought that he was walking everyday through the wide land that had been lent to him. I deduced this by its boots covered by almost dried mud, grass and pebbles fragments. By cons, there was only one thing that had matter to me, John. _Should I say to him ? What would he say ?_ He would be furious. More than when I faked my own death. It was not a punch I was going to receive this time, but an endless silence. It would hurt me more than any physical pain. 

I was half between the arms of Morpheus and insomnia, when I heard Mrs. Hudson entering the flat to bring me my cup of tea with my newspapers. She hummed and it was killing my eardrums. It took me about five seconds to carry myself into the living room, where she was. 

-  _Good morning, Sherlock !_  As she just drop off my morning routine. You _woke up early this morning. I wasn't expecting to see you_ , marveled Mrs. Hudson. 

-  _Good morning, Mrs. Hudson. Thank you very much for the tea and the newspapers._

I went close to her, kissed her forehead and started to read the actuality. She smiled while pushing her arms on her heart. 

-  _Did you sleep well, my dear ?_ , asked my landlady. 

I wasn't going to tell her the truth. That I didn't sleep at all, because I had passed the night with an horrible man at 2011 miles from here. I know she is open-minded and I loved her, but keeping secrets was not her speciality. In twenty minutes, the entire England would know about my little escapade.

-  _A restless night, but yes._

 _- I could make you a special drink made of orange juice, maple syrup and lime juice, if you want. It helps to boost your energy. I used to drink that every morning when Frank and me passed our nights to dance in clubs of Miami_ , she offered me while I couldn't preclude myself to raise an eyebrow. I was used to hear this kind of affirmations from her, but still. Each time, It was surprising me like it was the first time. 

-  _No, it's okay, Mrs. Hudson. I will be alright. Could you just let me alone a little bit, please ? It would be really appreciated._

_- Oh ! Sorry, Sherlock. I leave immediately. Call me if you need anything._

I nodded and she left before to her head appeared from the doorway.  

_\- Oh and I was going to forget. I saw John and Mary at the market, yesterday. They will pass in afternoon._

For bloody hell, I was not ready to see him. I am sure Mrs. Hudson invited them without telling me. A couple of months ago, I would have been happy not to be alone, but since John was gone, I was accustomed again to solitude. 

 _- Great !_ , I simply replied. 

Not even one minute after her departure, I was back in bed for a few hours. 

  


 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your feedbacks are always welcome ! I try to improve my english and that's one of the reasons why I write. Mistakes can be made. You can correct me.  
> Thank you to all the readers !


	4. Don't Set Me Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Moriarty waits Sherlock to come to break his routine once again.

'' _It was you, Jim_ '', was still hunting my mind so much, that I cut my cheek with a razor while I was finally shaving my two-week beard. The great Moriarty was feeling bad. My emotions were back for real. '' _Well, it seems I'm stuck in a dilemma again. Will I bury them inside of me or will I let it all out ?_ '', I said to himself, staring at my own reflection in the mirror of the little bathroom I had. Was I indirectly guilty for what happened on the pale and innocent skin of Sherlock's back ? Was it my fault ? I don't know what this man have supported because of me, but it was something frightful. Yesterday, I did not know what to say after these sinister words. So I just kissed him on his forehead and let him to leave me alone in the messy bed we've made. When he left, I wasn't afraid anymore. I wasn't afraid of being with me, because I knew I wasn't alone anymore. Of course, I suddenly felt empty, but it will be ephemeral. Sherlock will come back to see me and I'll be waiting him. 

The week passed quickly. Monday, I listened all the albums of The Beatles. Tuesday, I walked and jogged outside all day long to keep me active. Wednesday, I wrote my market list and put it in the white mailbox. Thursday, I did the same than Tuesday and Friday, I read How to Kill a Mockingbird. It was a great book. I should have read it when I was in school. Week-end at my door, I was expecting to see Sherlock, but he didn't come. No sign of life. It irritated me a lot. I turned the whole cottage upside down. The furnitures were on the ground, widespread in every rooms. 

After to have calm myself a bit, I immediately went to sleep. 

When I woke up, it was already the morning. The surprise was big when I saw what I've done the night before. In fact, I was shocked. I had literally lost control for absolutely nothing. At the same moment, it knocked at the door. Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I went to open. Tripping on anything on the floor.

-  _Jim Moriarty ?_ , asked the man in a professional black suit.  

-  _Yes, it's me_ , I asked back, clearing my throat. 

He tended bags at me. That was my food for the next two weeks. Everything seemed to be there: lamb, goat cheese, leeks, milk, Cheerios, vanilla biscuits, raspberries, etc. 

-  _Thank you, mister_ , I told to him. 

The beefy man gave a gaze behind me. 

-  _Everything's fine ?,_ he interrogated me with suspicious expressions on his square face. 

-  _Oh, yeah, yeah. Everything's perfect. I feel the perfect happiness !_ , I quickly said to end this exchange. 

-  _Great._

While I was looking at him walking to his freedom, he made me noticed that I had mail. I never give attention to this box, because nobody knows where I am and no one would've liked to contact me anyway. It's like if this house didn't have an address. I was leaving nowhere. I'm not even sure if I was leaving in a real city or in a secret place of the British Government. 

I don't wanted to look crazy, so I waited till his car was gone of my vision before to run to the mailbox. When we leave somewhere like this, you don't have any contact with the exterior world. World War III could have started and I wouldn't know. That's what I had become. An ignorant. But it still crazy how much we become used to this. The first month in this golden jail, I would have done anything to know what was going on in the world, what was I missing. And now, I didn't care. As long as I was alive and no one to bother me. It means, I sometimes have relapse like right now, but still. The outside world was not missing me anymore. 

The letter in my hands, I didn't know if I was going to open it or not. It was from Mr. Holmes, the youngest one. The one I was insanely obsessed with.

 

_Dear James Moriarty,_

_I sincerely hope that life is not too boring where you are. I also hope to have given you eternal solitude as sentence will make you think about all the atrocities you've done in your life as a free man. But tonight, I am not writing this letter to remind you all what you've done. No. Instead, I am writing to you to say sorry. Coming to see you in the state of mind that I was, was a terrible mistake. Never I should have let down my guard and let my pulsions won over me. I'm still just a human, after all._

_I told John about what happened between us. He was terribly angry and he made me promise to never see you again for my own good. I know you will think he's manipulating me, but not at all. He is the one who's right. I still don't know why do I fell in love with the lion like this. What happened the other night was nothing more than an error in the system. I wasn't myself and I am certain that you were not either. Life is full of mysteries that even me I can't resolve. The night we shared will always stay somewhere in my occipital lobe, where dreams come from. This way, the nights I feel alone, you will always be by my sides each time I want to see you, to touch you and to feel you again. You showed me what was the feeling to have someone so close to you, that you don't want to let the other one leaving you. You want to become one. Thank you to have showed me this painful and wonderful feeling at the same time. It is possible for me now to start seeing humans in an other way than preprogrammed robots._

_So, this is my farewell letter. I don't think we'll se each other again. I am grateful for the good times we had since our first met. I always admired you in a certain way. You were my personal Houdini. A man capable of everything and a surprise in itself._

_Au revoir my dear old friend,_

_Your favorite consultant detective,_

_Sherlock Holmes_

 

It took me around three minutes that I felt ten before to put down this letter. I could not see myself in the mirror, but I didn't need to to know my eyes had turned red. Salted tears were running down my cheeks and a big lump in my throat completely muzzled me. No sound could escape from my wet mouth that my tears had covered like the water of the ocean used to cover the hull of a boat. I was madly devastated. I taught I finally had him, that I had tamed the wild side of Sherlock. My hands hid my pinky face. I was ashamed of me to have been that naive. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter tomorrow and a long one this time !


	5. Where Is My Mind ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is always a pleasure to read your feedbacks. Thank you to all my readers !

My violin underneath my chin and between my long selfish hands, I heard the doorbell. It was John, Mary and the baby. I could already hear the drool sounds from her little pink mouth with no teeth. I then stopped to play this sad melancholic music I was playing from the bottom of my heart and I dropped the instrument where it is supposed to be. While the footsteps of my friends were getting closer to me, I built a smiling mask to put on my face, so I would not have to answer all the stupid questions people ask when someone do not seems to feel very good. To be honest, I don't even know why do I had to fake happiness. I was happy. It's a fact that my mind was thinking about thousand of things and that my emotions were confused, but I was happy. More than I have never been. Maybe all I needed in my life wasn't the coldness of the dead bodies, but the heat of the an alive body on me to keep my soul warm. This night passed with Jim was like if somebody had finally lit the fire inside of me. Usually, it was situations or danger. But this time, it was a person. The most beautiful person in this entire world, to my opinion. Before, I would have say that beauty was nothing more than a construct based on childhood impressions, influences and role models. Now, my definition had changed for the best. I can't believe that the man with the least humanity on Earth was transforming me into a real human being. Of course, my dear old friend and colleague John Watson helped me a lot on this point, but not in the same way Moriarty was doing on me right now. 

Since the first day I lived in this flat, I had never closed the door till today. I don't know why. Probably because I had discovered ''privacy''. It is crazy how a simple word can suddenly have a totally different meaning in a snap. 

Mary's fist knocked at the wooden door. '' _It's open !_ '', I said with too much joy in my tone that I immediately dropped an octave or two. '' _Are you okay, Sherlock ?_ '', asked John to me with a tight smile. My head was lunatic, but still there. '' _Yes, I am. And you, how's the new family ?_ '', I tried to change the discussion. Mary who already entered the living room answered me that they didn't had sleep an entire night since seven months because Charlotte do not sleep her nights. 

'' _Do you want some tea, my lovelies ?_ '', nicely proposed Mrs. Hudson to everyone who all agreed, including myself. There was nothing better in London than the tea of this adorable lady.

I was looking at John and even though I had looked at him more often that I had stared at my own reflection, something had changed. Not something on him, but in my perception of seeing him. Despite all the nightmarish things I have seen and the situations where I could've die in my entire life, I lost my innocence only yesterday. It never crossed my mind that normal people around me were having sexual relations. From now on, it was not just the usual carefree John that I was seeing, but a man who had sometimes good fun with his wife and that was what gave birth to Charlotte, their daughter. Born from a night of kiss who turned into desire that ended with an orgasm. Between Jim's web and sheets, I had discovered an addiction stronger than cocaine. I was thinking about this wonderful pleasing sensation every minute since. Now that I knew what it was, my imagination had never been so powered. I don't know if these thoughts were toxic or exciting. Maybe a mix of both. 

'' _How your business is going these days?_ '', John extricated me out of my impure thoughts. 

I gazed up at him, my lucious lips almost hid by each other. Before to answer at the question of formality, I sat in my black leather seat. This way, I was at the same level as their eyes. 

'' _Oh, just boring cases. It has been pretty relax_ '', I simply answered. 

'' _So how do you do to keep your mind busy ?_ ''

I was going to answer, when we've been interrupted by the baby. She started to whimper. I know it was really impolite, but I escaped a heavy sigh. She was impolite too by cutting my words. 

Nobody noticed my dissatisfaction. They were all over Charlotte Watson. I have cravings too and I don't cry to have someone to give them to me. 

'' _Sorry, Sherlock. She is thirsty. Can I use your microwave to warm her milk ?_ '', required Mary with some delicate expressions on her face. The kind of face you can't refuse anything. Well, not in my case, but on the weak persons. '' _Of course you can_ _. Don't need to ask_ '', I replied by making waves with my right hand in the direction of the kitchen. 

At the moment I turned my head to John, his torso was closer than he was right before and he had his hand leaning on his hip. I knew he was going to ask me something that should stay between us. That was the problem with me. Life never surprises me. I see everything coming. I guess the intentions of the people around me, all the time. It's sure, I sometimes experienced unexpected reactions, but still. For John, I had observed him too much not to know what his posture was meaning.

'' _What are you thinking ?_ '', he asked to me in a short and low whisper.

''Nothing.''

''Don't _lie to me, Sherlock. I know when you are concerned about something. Just tell me. Maybe I can help you._ ''

''Nothing, _I said !_ '', I rumbled between my teeth and my mouth close to him now.

Does he know something ? No, of course, not. Even if his sense of deductions had improve, he was not at my level yet. 

'' _William Sherlock Holmes Scott, tell me what's wrong !_ ''

We were both fighting in silence. How ridiculous was it !

Fortunately for me, I didn't have been saved by the bell, but by Mary's gasp. She had found my toes in the microwave. '' _Just put them on the table_ '', I yelled at her.

 _''I'm still waiting_ '', said John.

'' _I'm not gonna tell you. I have some private life too._   _You should learn to respect that._ ''

He then laughed really loud and smacking his thigh. '' _Oh, look who's talking ! Mr. Sherlock Holmes, the same who has delivered my birth certificate to know my middle name. The same who incrusted himself in my dates with women. The same who put inappropriate deductions and asked me about very personal things._ ''

We fought like this for a little while again, till we reached the climax. Till I lost patience.

'' _I had an affair with Moriarty !_ '', I screamed without any possibility of backtracking. Obviously, it had to have fallen at the same time that Mary came back to the room with the little girl in her arms and Mrs. Hudson with tea. I had never witnessed such a big discomfort that we were all experiencing in the moment. The silence was so heavy, that we could hear passers speaking in the street. I read the inconsistency on their face. A pure aversion. They were looking at me like if I was Jim Moriarty himself. We were all waiting till someone finally says something. But no sound. 

After numerous blinks of eyes, John finally said something. 

'' _So you somehow found your sexual identity. You're gay ?_ ''

He was calm. Calm like I never saw him. He was doing this to clear the air. To make me serene and I have to admit that it worked even if I still had a lump in my throat. His hand was now holding my lap when he saw my eyes getting wet.

'' _I don't know, John. I don't know. I don't even know what to think about this. It is so confused in my head right now. You can't even imagine. I feel so mean, so ill, so dirty. But on the other side, I liked it. I liked what we shared and that's what I hate the most. I hate me to have done what I've done. I am so lost._ '' I was crying, my fist in front of my mouth and the other one wiping my tears. 

'' _Did he force you to do anything ?_ '', asked John. Always as calm as possible. He was staring at me right into the eyes. I know he was worry too. I had to reassure him. 

I shook my head. I don't know if it would have been better for everyone if James had forced me. This way, I could hate him, but it was under my power. I don't love him like John loves Mary. More like when we develop a deep connection with someone. That you see this person on a regular basis, the feeling you have to each other is never extinguished. Sometimes, I wonder if things would have been different if we had met in other circumstances. Would I have developed this insane obsession for him ? It's unfortunate that we can not go back in time to change the futur. But, would I have accepted me more ? I don't think so. I think I would have feel almost the same.

In my mind, I only had flashbacks of last night. How it happens. I was looking for a crack, but there wasn't. I wanted to make love on the same level of excitation he wanted to. The mix of adrenaline and dopamine was to blame. I was to blame. I am the one who played with fire for too long. His smooth kisses in my neck, his strong hands rubbing my shoulders and my thighs. His cold breathing on my white skin. His desirable words that excited me more.  _You are mine. You are beautiful._   _I waited this moment for so long_.  _You make me hard_. My lips desiring his cheeks and his chest. My fingers interlacing between his thick black hair. Holding wicks harder each time he electrified me more and more. It is crazy how a man you always see as a rough person can be so delicate in a primitive activity like this. 

'' _I don't want you to see him anymore. It's insanity ! He wrapped my body with a bomb, he killed people. Do you remember this poor old blind lady who was crying through your phone, asking for help ? Do you remember how did she finish ? She burst, Sherlock. She burst ! Moriarty is the man who make you fake your death. He's the one who made your scars on your back. He almost sent you in jail for pedophilia. This bloody man should be electrocuted on a chair or burned at the stake. He should no be remembered by society. He should be forgotten, Sherlock. Forgotten ! Do you hear me ?_ '', suddenly claimed John with a powerful voice. So angry, he threw the end table away. Newspapers, cigarettes, pen and biscuits falling on the ground. 

At this violent pulsion, Charlotte started to cry again. Mary told her husband she was going to wait for him in the car and Mrs Hudson followed her without forget to put down the tea on the coffee table. 

John took a deep breath before to keep making a speech to my right. 

'' _You know, mate, among all the persons in England you could have chosen to discover your sexuality and to have fun with, you couldn't have take a normal person ? Why the hell did you choose the most dangerous human being we know ? Tell me. I'm waiting ! I am curious to know why. Not counting that by seeing him you probably broke a lot of laws. Did Mycroft knows ? When it is happened ? Does it makes a long time ?_ '' John took a break and I was feeling more guilty that I already was. I wasn't angry after John. He was right. God, I missed him. He was keeping me on the good road. '' _Do you know what ? I don't want to know. I don't want to know anything. It's all up to you. Just please, Sherlock. Don't see him again._ _Never. For me and for you and for him_.'' He then stood up, ready to go away from me. At this point, I didn't know if he was still my friend or not. It was killing me from the inside. I could not stay silence. I had to talk.

'' _No. Mycroft do not knows. Well, he knows that I saw Moriarty, but not that we had this kind of meeting._ '' 

I stood up too. 

'' _You asked to know how it happened, I'll tell you. Three months ago, Mycroft took me where Jim is. A little house in the Yorkshire, away from the civilization. My brother stayed outside, hunting ducks. Inside, Jim and me, had things to say. We talked about how he faked his death, about his life before to become the Moriarty that we know as a criminal. During this talk, I started to feel tentation for him. I still don't know why. I let all these new feelings aside to focus on what he was saying. It had never happened to me to have thoughts like this for someone. I left and I came back two weeks later to tell him how much he was a monster, but also to ask for help for a case. My doctor is not here anymore, so who could be better than a consultant criminal to help me. In exchange of his help, I would have try to give him a day of freedom at his wife's grave. But once in front of him, I lost all my means. I wanted him. Why ? I don't know. I know that I am repetitive, but i don't have any other world. I hate not to know. It is jungle in my head. The attraction I had for him was suddenly so strong, that I kissed him. I'm the one to blame, at the end. I made the first step. He kissed me back and you know the rest. You have more experience then me in this domain, so I don't think I need to make you a draw._ ''

Saying these words delivered me from such a heavy burden. I felt like jumping from the top of a building to escape all of my problems. Just to say these few words, I had to walk my pride. 

'' _And before you say anything, John, I just want to add that I regretted it. It was a mistake, I know, but we all have a weakness. Mine is and as always been James Moriarty._ ''

John Hamish Watson was speechless, but I knew he was trying to formulate a sentence in his head before to saying it out loud. 

I was expecting him to say something, but he didn't. He just left. Just like I left Jim the first time, just like I left him when I jumped from this bloody roof. 

People who know me, know that I only take drugs when I need to go in my mind palace. This time, it was to not be alive in the same world than John. At the second I heard the door of the car, the needle was already in my vein. I took a double dose. I couldn't move anymore and then, my eyelids closed. All I remember, is that I could hear my these sensual words Jim as told me. He was also there, with me. I wasn't alone. I don't know where is my mind now, but it is not here. It is with the mesmerizing man. 


End file.
